We try again

This is the 5th time I’ve tried writing a new article.

I lost 4 drafts due to the Substack app malfunctioning. I updated the app and it still happened again. So, I have finally learned my lesson and will be writing in Notes app from now on.

Now to hunker down into the present moment, put a microscope to it. What’s going on in there?

What does this present moment bring?

Itchy feet. Wiggling toes. A breath of smoke.

I close my eyes and put down the phone for five minutes.

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Nothing good arrives. No delicious thoughts. Not like five attempts ago, when I was cooking. I lost the drafts. I did enjoy writing the drafts, but there was no payload. No thrill of posting.

So I try again. And take another hit.

————

My room is a mess.

I’m doing okay. Mostly keeping afloat, in this moment

I don’t want to play games of whose pain matters more.

I was in mild shock. But I am doing okay now. I am doing okay. I am doing okay. Okay? Okay! I am doing okay! I am doing okay!! I’m fine! I am doing okay!!!! Me? Not okay?? I’m doing great!!!! Everything’s okay!!!

Okay let’s breathe and watch a song from my new favorite movie, K-Pop Demon Hunters.

I wrote in the lost drafts all about how the Honmoon is like an egregore. I wrote that K-Pop Demon Hunters is an occult movie about the integration of the dark and the light, accepting all parts of you, finding and believing in yourself, the fight between masking and being yourself; self actualization. Coming into your power.

Defeating the demons, overcoming the negative patterns of the past. We can’t fix it if we never face it. Let the past be the past ‘till it’s weightless.

I wrote how all of us have a part to play in powering the Honmoon with hope. With our powers combined, we could create a portal. Opening up the hearts of people trapped inside their demon-selves. Send out a psychic wave. Send a message: you’re not alone.

What if we did that?

I might be a little high on hopium. The K-Pop Demon Hunters music does that.

All the damage that might make me dangerous.

My little soda pop.

Dear God,

grant me the serenity to accept I cannot change the past

the courage to change the present

and the wisdom to know when to let go

Thank you,

Lump

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Nothing’s coming to me here. I guess there’s nothing to be said. I said it 4 times already before and feel like the universe got the message.

Did I mention the portal? The hope portal?

I can’t build it alone. Please help me.