Messenger of Change
Beginning on the first of September, a hawk appeared in a tree directly in my line of sight from where I was sitting on the back porch.
Nearly each day for over a week, the hawk appeared in that exact spot, on that same bend on the same tree branch, around the same time each day.
Each day when I went out to smoke it was there. It watched back every now and then. We exchanged knowing glances.
I sometimes talked to it, giving it praise. “You’re beautiful.” “Thank you.” “I love you.” I think that made it blush.
I showed the hawk my feet. I think he liked them.
I did a bit of research on the spiritual significance of a hawk appearing. Some sites described it as being a spirit guardian. I was inspired, so I drew it.
It did not seem to like me standing and staring at it so intently, so it scooted down the branch and turned around for a while, which gave me a good view of its back to draw too.
Some cultures believe hawks are messengers — that you can ask it for its message. So I did. I asked it out loud, “Please show me your message.”
Within fifteen minutes, the hawk caught something crawling up the tree. A snake.
That was the last day I saw it.
In an alt, pondering the significance:
A few days later I wrote, reacting to my own self-hate:
I didn’t consciously intend to but for the past few posts here I have been writing about change and transformation. I seem to tend to write here when I am in a changing process. But this process has required a descent into darkness. If anything, the hawk’s appearance and the death of the snake marked the start of the descent. Perhaps it was a warning of what I would be going through. My old self was to be eaten.
Through out the past month, I have been digesting some dark thoughts, memories and emotions. I am accepting some circumstances that are out of my control. At times I didn’t even remember seeing and writing about the hawk because I had spiraled so deeply. I lost my connection to spirit.
But I needed to be alone. My intention to leave twitter was real. I needed to be alone to figure out what matters to me. I needed to be alone to re-discover parts I had forgotten. But, admittedly, and unhealthily, deciding to cut myself off from everyone was part self-harm. That it was what I deserved. This self-hate aspect wore down at me. I broke down a couple times at work.
I don’t regret going through this, though. It was a necessary step - in order to realize it’s okay to need people and get social support (which I did get). In order to realize a voice in me that I used to have. I have been resurrecting old, forgotten parts of me. I have been remembering who I am. It’s not much to look at for now, a perpetual work in progress.
As I was waiting for a friend today, I saw a familiar shape in the sky. A hawk flew over my house.
Somehow, it feels like some phase has been completed. I have killed and eaten an old self. It will last me a while as sustenance, feeding the new. And when that self runs out of fuel, it will die to feed another new self. The cycle of little deaths and rebirths continue.
Thats quite an Amazing experience there.